This weekend started off a little shakey. I thought I would enjoy the long weekend more then I did. Saturday I was in such a fowl mood. Killian did for the first time ever stay with grandma and grandpa over night. It was his first time away from us. He had a very good time. He went to Sunday school with them on Sunday. He really liked it. I am glad he did cause you won't catch me in a church so he now has someone to take him. This may turn into grandma taking him every weekend!! How lucky am I? I know in the past I have said she would never get him. But after cleaning her carpets and threatning to never let him stay there again if she doesn't take better care of her house, well I think it worked. Saturday before we arrived she shampooed where the cat barfed...7 times on the floor!! She wouldn't have done this before.
That night we were planning on going to the movies. We couldn't go to a late one because she had Bailey too and we had to pick her up after the movie. Well we missed the movie :(. Wayne wasn't feeling so hot and I was in a awful awful mood. I didn't want to really go anyway. Odd for me to not want to go to the movies. But Wayne didn't help my mood much. We ended up going to PF Changs. We haven't been there one single time since we've been here. Wayne was going to eat nothing but fried rice. I was ready to go somewhere else if that was the case. He didn't end up eating rice at all. It turned out to be a lovely dinner and my mood lifted. I made him understand what I am going through and he excepted what meds I may have to change to. Before he told me if I gained a bunch of weight he wouldn't stay with me. what an ass.
Saturday ended much better. Killian was still gone for a good part of Sunday. So we cleaned some of the house and cleaned out a tone of Killians toys. We threw away so much crap!! Lots went to good will also. Then we reranged his room. It looks so clean and with more space now to play...and make a mess..I am hopping today (Monday)we can work on Baileys room. She has alot of stuff we are storing in her room. It is a small room as is and that stuff makes it even smaller. It keeps us busy and away from the tv. I wish we would have had at least one good day this weekend to do something outside. Maybe next weekend will be better.
Killian has 2 weeks of school left then a few days after off we go to see my Aunt! I haven't seen her since 2002 or 03. Wayne and the kids have never met her. It is way past time. She now lives in Oak Harbor wa. Before it was Alaska. Also she is only 5 1/2 hours from us. yippeeeee!! I am so excited! She is the best! If there were one person I wish I was like it would be her.
So can someone please tell me your'e reading this stuff or should I stop writing?

I have been so depressed the last couple of weeks. I have givin up my diet. I keep telling myself I will get back on track this week. So far I haven't. I have been so grumpy. I really want to go back on Zyprexa but it just isn't going to happen. Maybe if I ever reach my 125 pd goal I will give it another whirl. I am not even close at this point.
I have been feeling so low about myself. The kids have been really getting on my nerves. I don't much care about working out but am trying to force myself to go anyway. I have done that well enough. I just don't see what good it is doing me. My diet needs an overhaul but I need help with that. I hate cooking and so fast things are the way I am still going. I always think eating fresh sounds so good..until I buy the stuff..So I am at a loss on what to do about it. Did I mention how much I hate cooking? I feel bad for Wayne. He works so hard and I can't even give him a good meal to come home to. I haven't found any recipes on weight watchers that I like. So that isn't helping. I get so sick of looking too. I used to look often and try new things all the time. I just don't care anymore....I hate cooking!!!
I haven't kept my house the way I used to when we lived in Twin. It was always clean and nice. I just can't keep up here and dont really care. Same with the yard. It is just to much. I can however get things done when the kids aren't here. But that happens pretty much never. So things stay in constant chaos.
I do however still like my job. It has been fun. I wish I could get some more hours. I have so many things and places I would like to go this summer. I just don't think I can pull it off. I will try though. Vacation next month has me very stressd. I don't see it being much of one. There just isn't really any money. I told Wayne we will have to use my eye fund I have been saving. This sadens me alot but I really want a vacation. I have half my money saved for my laser surgery. I was hoping to have it this year. I don't see that happening if we use it for vacation. Oh well. I don't know what to think. I am a little sad either way. I either get a nice vacation and no eyes or I get eyes and no vacation. I wouldn't care so much but wayne really deserves a vacation. I don't know...
Bailey is doing so good wearing her big girl panties out and about. She is wearing pullups only during sleeping hours! I am so proud of her. She only pees her pants if shes upset and crying. Thats only happened twice.
well off to work out even though I am not sure I want to.

I am now really enjoying my job. Even if there are a few kids (way more then I wish)that need spankins or lots of time outs I still am enjoying my job. Bailey not so much..she goes with me every single day. If grandma lived closer I would let her take her most of those days!! Killian gets to go once every 2 weeks. He loves going and gets upset when we have to leave. Last night when we went so I could work out we left after only 20 minutes of being there. Bailey would not calm down and screemed the whole time. I could hear her 2 rooms away. I hadn't been able to set up for pump class at that time so I went and hung out with her. She hang on to me for dear life. The 2 attendants that normally take her and hold her didn't bother this time. So I did what any mom would do, I left. On the way out I stopped to show the kids the rock wall room. They love looking in there. The guy running it talked me into trying it. I have always wanted to so I took the opportunity. The kids were allowed in there. That was okay with Bailey. She was willing to sit on the bench and watch her mom climb. I wish I would have had a camera. I made it a little more then half way before I had to call it quits. It's hard!! I did think I would do better then I did. I work out every week!! But alass it wasn't ment for me to finish this time. It was kind of fun anyhow!
Wayne bought us new bikes. They are very cool old style Schwinn bikes. I love them!! We have only had the chance to go out once on them. My wonderful Killian rode 2 miles on his little spider man bike!! He insisted on going that far. As luck would have it on the way back after the two miles we had just ridden I got a flat!! Not even hardly into the ride. Luckly Wayne and his sister rode that 2 miles as fast as they could back and got our trucks (her and her hubby bought new bikes along with us)to come and save us. Killian, "The Donald", and myself had a healthy walk to the road so they could find us. It was fine. We made it! Bailey was with Wayne in a seat for her on the back of his bike. She enjoyed the intire thing. I can't wait to go again!!

I am somewhat enjoying my new job. It is a little harder then I thought. Only because some kids are so rotten!! Even tho they are not with me for very long (thank god with some of them)They make it hard. But all and all I like working. I wouldn't mind a few more hours to get a bigger paycheck but what ive got is good too.
I am excited that being at the gym gives me a better chance to put Killian and Bailey in activities. Killian was going to do little kickers soccer. But it falls on our vacation. Now he wants to do gymnastics. The only problem with this is Bailey. If I have to take her with me there will be problems cause she wants to go too. It is to exspensive for both to go. At least right now. Maybe this fall. I don't know yet. I took her last year and she was awful. She loved it but didn't follow instructions. The teacher said she did very well regardless. At $10 a class I think just running around isn't worth it. At least for me!
I haven't talked to my grandma again as of yet. I am having a hard time with her dieing and it is just easier for me to stay away. I feel somewhat bad for that but if you had my family you'd understand. None of them are worth the spit on the sidewalk.
Wayne has been working long hours and has been so tired when he gets home. If he did not work these hours we wouldn't get to go on vacation. I still don't know where we are going. I know where I want to go but it seems I am alone on that. Even tho there is more then one place I would like to go. I really want to take the kids to the Portland zoo, or maybe to Silverwood. Why not both?? Wayne doesn't seem to share this feeling. So I have no idea where we are going excpet we need to decide soon. I am not sure that I am excited taking the kids anywhere we might have to "camp". Even tho last year was fun it was hard to. I don't really want a repeat. Oh theres the phone!

So much is going on today. I have been angry with Wayne. I need attention and am not getting it!! In any sort of way if you get what I mean. I will give him a little break cause he went crazy cleaning my kitchen. So that was really cool. It hasn't looked as good as it does the intire time we've been here. Wayne has also been working very hard. Every day this past week he has worked late. But I still have needs damn it!!
So I talked to my Aunt tonight about my grandma. My grandma has (also) bone cancer in her arm. Maybe I am not understanding something but to me it sounds like she has two differnt cancers. Is that possible? Maybe I am lost on the cancer thing all together. Anyway grandma isn't doing well. The stories I hear are heart breaking. She spent the night on the couch because she couldn't get up. The sad part is it wasn't laying on her back. She was stuck at a odd angle. She had had her legs up and just couldn't get off the couch again. Instead of calling out for her son that was there at the time she suffered till he got up the next morning.
I heard she fell in the shower and couldn't get out. My sister was visiting Sandpoint and went over to her house for a visit with her. They knocked on the house door and grandma didn't come. Luckly the door was open and Daurene went ahead and went in. She helped grandma out of the shower. This is what my Aunt said and I am sure there are details missing. I guess I won't know sense nobody else talks to me. I don't mind being out of the loop with the family except when it comes to health issues with the ones I love. I am deciding when to go to Sandpoint to see grandma.
Waynes dad we found out has prostate cancer. Lucky for Gale it is a stage 1 and is easly taken care of. He has options on the way it can be removed. So this is good. His life span will be the same as it always has.
Geneva is a loss. She makes me so mad. I am not the only one with these feelings either. None of us feel she takes good care of Gale. She still expects him to get a job!!!! I have told her she can work easier then he can. She won't. She is losing it once again. I hope my kids stay healthy cause I can't take them to work if they are sick and have to depend on Geneva to care for them for the 2 hours I am there. Reality has lost its grasp on this woman. Another thing that bothers me is when any of us try to talk to her about say Gale, she changes the subject and starts talking about the necklaces she is making and buying beads. WTF? To be fair, at one time long ago we did everything together. I spent alot of time with her. We shopped alot and did crafts. We were always doing something together. We had fun and enjoyed each others company. But somewhere along the way that stopped and she was lost in her own head. Sleep issues didn't help. Like really bad sleeping issues. I am just horrified about her actions or lack of these days. Her carpet is so soiled with animal pee. She doesn't hardly clean Gales sheets. And well she is just a pig. It's disgusting.
anyways I hear Wayne and need to play catch up. I am sure there will be something to write later!

So you I am sure read that I got a new job. I now work at my gym in the daucare area. It is fun but also very boring. It can be trying to. There are just some kids I would like to bend over my knee!! Killian loves going when he gets to. Part of the reason I took the job is because it's the hours that hes in school. It's only a couple of hours a day. And thats good for me. Bailey has love hate relationship with daycare. to get her in the door is a nightmare. She hides behind the door and won't come out unless I carry her in. I always have a ton of stuff in my hands of course. Then when we get in she crys and crys and has a tantrum. She gets over it quickly..most of the time. Today was not one of those days. She was awful for at least....well almost the whole time really! I was holding a baby and she wanted me holding her. But there were so many kids that baby Jada wanted me. I loved it of course. The baby even fell asleep in my arms. How could I not love that? Bailey calmed down a little and tried touching the baby and cooed at her. I had to tell her to do something else so she didn't wake her. The minute I went to lay that cute little baby down she woke up. I would have loved to hold her longer but it was time for me to go. I was also ready to choke her brother. He is a very angery kid. I understand his acting out cause his parents are going threw a divorce..but I still can't stand the kid..
Working in the morning has killed my workout times. I work during my favorite morning classes..ALL OF THEM! I have had to start taking the night classes and so far hate it. I don't even make it to most of them. Good thing my member ship is free now cause I hardly get to go these days! O.k. it's just been the last couple of weeks being I havent been working there any more then that. I do like it there I just don't have anyone to work out with now. My friend Jelena trys her best to go with me but has a hard time making it in the evenings. Same as me.
As you might have read on the one statement I made on facebook before I earased it, my grandma is dieing. She has for the second time breast cancer. Shes had it for awhile but it has at last taken its toll on her body. She has 5 months left of her 92 years of life. I don not think I will go to her funeral. I do not want to see my family. I dread the day I see any of their faces again. I feel such hate towards them. I start feeling really mean whenever I think of them. They are not a happy thought for me. I am sad I can't go to my grandmas funeral...or I guess won't..but the living make things worse.
I am so grumpy lately. I would like to go back on zyprexa, I surprise myself saying that. But I am not fine with out it like I thought I was. But the weight gain is just to awful. Yet without it I feel awful all the time. So grumpy..I am not sure what to do. I think I would rather live with the weight gain. But Wayne wouldn't. great suport I have here at home. I guess I will have to continue being torchered.

Not to much has been on. My mood has been pretty even and iv'e for the most part able to sleep. I do have a lack of energy that is getting on my last nerve. I hate being a couch potato. I do manage to not watch 10 billion movies a day but I don't want to do anything either. I would rather be this way then be put on meds that make me gain tons of weight and make me into a zombie. I have excepted my fate as a boring old fart who does nothing. Whitch brings me to my next subject-rebirth. Everyone knows I really have no belief system in god or any other higher power. Let me make this clear-I don't know if there is. I don't really wonder about it either. I don't think I even care. I have been called alot of things and so to keep your words from spilling out you now know...I just don't know and am not that curious. SO what does this have to do with rebirth? Ok well this subject I have been thinking about lately. You know the what if game. It has kept me entertained the past few days. I have it worked out who I am going to be, who I am going to be with (SINGLE!), where I am going to work, what kind of person, how many pets (NONE!), where I am going to live (high rise apartment in NY), the whole nine yards. My sister in law said I had to be married to Wayne cause thats the way it is. I guess if we married in this life we stay married in others. lol..we decided he could be the pool boy..HAHAHAHA sorry honey. I have decided to leave the domestic life to others and am going corporate. I'm not even going to own a car. I'll rich enough to higher taxis. lol..what a world in my head!! At least it has kept my brain alive cause I am slowly turning to jelly..it's been hanging around my waste line for some time and is entering my brain..I guess I have been listening to Killians songs and stories to much lately!
I still work out 4 times a week and enjoy it alot. I haven't lost any weight but have gained strenght. Not that I feel I could try to beat anyone up..or even manage a damaging blow. I wish I could. If Wayne wasn't around I would like to feel I could defend my family. I feel this more now because this week someone came on our property and stole some car parts that were up againest the house. We discovered this last night. Wayne sold the parts to a guy at work and discovered the stuff was missing. I hate the way it makes me feel knowing someone was here. Where they here while we were sleeping? Do they know how I go about my day? Or was it just fast luck that they got away with the goods while we were out. It just makes home a little scarier. I am always worried something will happen to me out here because Wayne would take hours to notice if he noticed at all. Thats also why I hate taking new meds cause Wayne wouldn't know I was laying there dead. He'd wake up in the morning leave for work and leave me dead with the kids. Awful thought I know. I would like to know who stole from us. I would like to break their knee caps. I am tired of people steeling from us. We don't have much so take what we do have? We struggle just like everybody else...or most..and then bastard comes and takes what they didn't earn. ass-holes..