Not to much has been on. My mood has been pretty even and iv'e for the most part able to sleep. I do have a lack of energy that is getting on my last nerve. I hate being a couch potato. I do manage to not watch 10 billion movies a day but I don't want to do anything either. I would rather be this way then be put on meds that make me gain tons of weight and make me into a zombie. I have excepted my fate as a boring old fart who does nothing. Whitch brings me to my next subject-rebirth. Everyone knows I really have no belief system in god or any other higher power. Let me make this clear-I don't know if there is. I don't really wonder about it either. I don't think I even care. I have been called alot of things and so to keep your words from spilling out you now know...I just don't know and am not that curious. SO what does this have to do with rebirth? Ok well this subject I have been thinking about lately. You know the what if game. It has kept me entertained the past few days. I have it worked out who I am going to be, who I am going to be with (SINGLE!), where I am going to work, what kind of person, how many pets (NONE!), where I am going to live (high rise apartment in NY), the whole nine yards. My sister in law said I had to be married to Wayne cause thats the way it is. I guess if we married in this life we stay married in others. lol..we decided he could be the pool boy..HAHAHAHA sorry honey. I have decided to leave the domestic life to others and am going corporate. I'm not even going to own a car. I'll rich enough to higher taxis. lol..what a world in my head!! At least it has kept my brain alive cause I am slowly turning to jelly..it's been hanging around my waste line for some time and is entering my brain..I guess I have been listening to Killians songs and stories to much lately!
I still work out 4 times a week and enjoy it alot. I haven't lost any weight but have gained strenght. Not that I feel I could try to beat anyone up..or even manage a damaging blow. I wish I could. If Wayne wasn't around I would like to feel I could defend my family. I feel this more now because this week someone came on our property and stole some car parts that were up againest the house. We discovered this last night. Wayne sold the parts to a guy at work and discovered the stuff was missing. I hate the way it makes me feel knowing someone was here. Where they here while we were sleeping? Do they know how I go about my day? Or was it just fast luck that they got away with the goods while we were out. It just makes home a little scarier. I am always worried something will happen to me out here because Wayne would take hours to notice if he noticed at all. Thats also why I hate taking new meds cause Wayne wouldn't know I was laying there dead. He'd wake up in the morning leave for work and leave me dead with the kids. Awful thought I know. I would like to know who stole from us. I would like to break their knee caps. I am tired of people steeling from us. We don't have much so take what we do have? We struggle just like everybody else...or most..and then bastard comes and takes what they didn't earn. ass-holes..

Ok so today has gone better. Everyone got new clothes but me. No one wants to wait around while I try things on. So I didn't get to get anything. Oh well..

For some reason at dinner tonight underwear was the subject. We went to dinner with Waynes sister and brother in law. So this wasn't completly uncomfortable. Odd for dinner time chat though. lol. anyways now I feel like I must find a new brand of underwear cause mine were made fun of by WAYNE. I'm FAT nothing is going to look pretty on me!! I told him from now on I would wear nothing..there was no comment...Geeez it's not like I wear the huge silky granny panties..

Well i'm off to watch a movie..just had to share that. lol

Well I thought I would be ok off my zyprexa. As it is turning out I am not. Nothing just rolls off my back now. I want to cry over everything. I am not a strong person right now. But I refuse to go back on it. The weight gain from it is to much. I don't want to try anything else either. I know if I went in right now hed change my other med to. I don't want that to happen either so I will stay the mess that I am.
I am so tired of this place. I hate this house we live in and pretty much my intire life right now. This house will never be home. I miss my house so much in Twin. I never wanted to sell it. It was small for us but it was home. I had friends too. I know one person here. Not that I get alot to meet anyone.
On the upper side of things we will be paying off a bunch of my medical bills. So thats a plus. my wedding ring will at last be fixed and I can put it on my finger once again. All the diamonds are loose and it's $200 to fix it. I am so happy that will be taken care of. It's been months sence I have gotten to wear it.
ok thats it for now. I guess I'm off to go do bills..yippy..

well so far so good on not taking any sleep/anxiety pills. I have been able to sleep for the most part. I am glad they are out of my system.

Baileys birthday is in about a month. I have been freaking out about it. We don't really have a plan. I know we are taking her to Eatza Pizza and are having banana splits. Times and everything else is up in the air. At least I have some sort of a plan I guess.
Today I bought her 3 summer dresses for her birthday. They are darling. But somehow I don't see her getting excited about opening a bad of clothes. I tried the clothes on at the store and it wasn't good. She screemed and cried at me the intire time. She kept telling me they were scratchy. The tags were getting her. I am sure she will remember that this summer when I go to put one on her.I will hope she forgets about it. The dresses are just to cute. I will have to find her something besides dresses to wear though.

One good thing happening is we will be paying off a bunch of little bills with our tax return. We will then have the 3 credit cards to deal with some day. My Yukon we will be paying on till Nov then that debt is paid. I hope the credit card companies can hold on. It will be a long while before we have money to deal with them. At least we are stepping in the right direction. The guy helping us up our credit scores still tells us not to pay anything off but we feel differently. We are going to go with our gut feeling.

Oh I have to go back to the subject of Baileys party. I am worried that it will turn out like last years nightmare. I wanted to leave for her birthday but maybe this year everyone will get along...everyones not invited though. I think back to last year and wanna puke. The day just didn't turn out how it was supposed to thinks to a certain family memeber. I won't blame him for everything. Not like Bailey was all that fun. She didn't want anything to do with opening presents. She had a awful tantrum. If this year sucks then I give up on next years!!

Well so much for the new pills. If you read my post on facebook you'll know. They made me sooooo sick. I woke up this morning and ran for the toilet. That made me even sicker. I can't get the pee smell under control. It's so gross. That made me even sicker. I tried barfing but nothing came up. Thank god cause who likes to puke? I will have to go to the Dr again. Wayne doesn't want me taking anything. Sleeping pills are no good he says. They aren't just for sleeping. But he is right. I guess I had better get used to getting up at 3am. I really don't wanna try anything else. I am sure I will though..SO I guess that I will be hanging out on the couch sipping tea till I feel better. I won't be taking those pills tonight for sure!!!

Killian had his Valentines party at school last night. It was alot of fun. Bailey got to do lots of crafts too. They each got tons of candy. Then of course grape pop for the ride home along with panda express for dinner. Killians favorite. It was a fun family night. Wayne even came with us. Yaaaaaa!

So if any of you have noticed that someone on facebook is calling me Net it's one of my sisters. we haven't talked in nearly 6 1/2 years. Frankly it could keep going that way and I wouldn't care. Wayne says I push them away. But really there was only a short time any of got along well. After my dad died they treated me like dog shit, except my sister Daurene and her husband. Thank god they were there for me. After that intire mess none of have talked sense. Except Daurene and me. And even that has stopped now. I expect because she doesn't like what I say on Facebook. Whatever. It is hard for me to think I am related to anyone. My mother Vi is a crack (yes I push away!!crack is the nice word for her, the other c word is more her name. Shes the one I get my issues from. Shes crazy there for I am. IT's genetics. I can't blame it all on her though because things have happened in my life that would cause anyone to be crazy. No I won't get into that. Utah and family is what happened. nuff said. ok i'm off to go make another cup of tea. I feel icky.

Well last night was the the first night I decided to try my Ambien again. It worked! Except this morning. I was awake but not awake. I was comfy laying in bed but couldn't go back to sleep. At least I was able to sleep last night. I didn't feel good so that was better that I slept through it. I am glad I got over whatever crud was going on with me cause today promises to be a fun day. I will post pictures (providing I take some) later. It's just a family thing (minus Wayne)at the expo center. The kids and I are going with a friend instead of Wayne. SHould be as fun as last year! Only I didn't have the kids alst year with me..oops..

I have not taken my sleeping/anxiety pills all week. Anxiety wise I am doing fine. Sleep wise things are sucking eggs. Last night Killian peed the bed at the wee hours of sleep and I could not get back to bed. I laid there for the rest of the night. My mind just goes and goes and goes. I am not to tired though. I would still like to sleep!!
I hate my car. now the one and only lock is failing me. I have twice now had to have someone else get it open. I only lock it now if I have to. hunk of shit..
At lease I guess it drives ok. It just has a exhaust leak, the trunk doesn't unlock (it has to be popped open from the inside), I can only unlock it from the drivers side, the pasenger window doesn't work (not a big deal but upsetting with everything else that doesnt work), the heater is going out (it works great when it works), the thing is old and ugly and needs a paint job badly (but why bother?)..but at least it drives good. It even goes forward now!! The guys fixed it so it no longer just drives in reverse..funny huh? I am so embarressed by this car that words can't explain. But at least it drives..God I miss my Yukon!!!
On the good side of things the family is doing fine. Bailey likes to tell us not to fart. Everything is cute and is a baby. Yesterday at Aunts house she was talking to some pretty balls that are in her bathroom for looks that it was alright baby. She is a funny girl. Everything is sooooo cute too. It's adorable when she says it. there is still alot we don't understand. Shes learning fast though. She is eating better now. If we add the word baby in front of a vegi she'll likely eat it. Love that one!
Killian is a handful and I don't see this trend stopping. I can't say how well he is doing in school. We went to a math Marti gras at his school last night and he didn't want to do any of the games just make the crowns and what not. He isn't good with math what so ever. I am worried he will be held back. I am sure he will.
He loves to sleep in his car bed upside down. Not sure why and it doesn't seem comfy what so ever. But that is the way he wants to sleep. Who am I to argue on that one?
Wayne is still working his ass off. Comes home grumpy to often. nuff said..
And well we know all about me. Heres what ive been doing as of late-still working on my huge crosstich prodject, scrapbooking, and of course bow making. Busy Busy Busy! Ok thats it for now. off to play!